In most circle of friends there is an unspoken code of conduct that is honored and followed. It involves many different aspects to a friendship, and one in particular embodies the popular phrase, "bro's before ho's".


I have been dating this new boyfriend for a few months, things are incredible. About a month ago he took me out to be introduced to his group of longterm friends. One of them decided to exchange online messenging screen names with me, and at first it really didn't phase me. This guy-friend is someone that I know my boyfriend hangs out with often, and its someone he has known since highschool.

Roughly 2 weeks ago he started to message me online. At first he would just say hello or ask me how I've been. This didn't seem like a big deal to me, I would respond back here and there.

However his comments would progress with their intensity --

they began with, "you are such a sweet person", you're such a nice person", "why can't i find a girl like you?"

then turned into, "you are really sexy", "its just my luck i didn't meet you first"

and escalated into, "we should hang out more", "are you two really serious? b/c if you're not then I know I'd date you in a second"


I decided that this was something my boyfriend needed to be aware of. I was not comfortable with these comments. I've just ignored them entirely.

Now the boyfriend isn't sure how to handle this -- deep down he wants to beat the daylights out of his friend for crossing the line. Should he go to violence and just punch him across the face? Or should he talk to his friend and give him a warning -- maybe tell him to back off or this friendship is over. Should the friendship be over regardless?

Gary is going to put this up on the poll, you can vote and help me figure this out!

Nuttin to figure out. Here's what we did back in Little Italy, Ny. We grab in on the side you know? We start with a finger nail, That's the warning. We send him a flounder or two in da mail and dat Elisa usually fixes a lot of stuff.

Now if it continues.........Which I doubt......we do this.....

1. Are you POSITIVE that's how boyfriend feels?

2. How would you feel if he only gave a warning? Wouldn't that be completely uncomfortable for you to hang with him and you boyfriend now?

I say, If boyfriend REALLY feels that way, clobber the little creep and be done, but you must make sure, because down the road, you don't want to be the blame for longtime friends not speaking anymore.

Elisa,

Maybe these guys just have to have a "guy talk"... you are a wonderful person, beautiful and sexy, and guys are swept up easily and get carried away. Your bf shouldn't get mad about it, it doesn't sound like the friend is really trying to do anything bad, he's just getting carried away, and fishing a bit. I don't think he would do anything too inappropriate as long as you are with your bf, and probably wouldn't be able to even if you guys split... he's just fantasizing about "what if" and it's getting out of hand.

All your bf has to do is remind him to get a hold of himself and draw some boundaries. It's cool that his friends have accepted you, not cool to hit on you. A little talk should settle it... the friend will probably apologize for getting carried away and that will be the end of it. He sounds lonely... maybe your bf can lay out the rules, politely but firmly. Violence is a bad idea, and if these two have been friends for a long time this shouldn't be that hard to clear up.

In the meanwhile, stay out of it. The guy code has been broken a little, although it's not necessarily irrepairable depending on how your bf handles it and how the friend reacts. Either way, it's between them, so let them figure it out. You should be hanging with some girlfriends or doing brain freeze or something whenever this little talk happens.

Is it possible to avoid the creep entirely? Either way it's going to be strange to be around him.

Violence is not a good idea because that lends itself to your bf assuming responsibility for poor behavior. Take the high road...

Stay out of it and let your bf decide what he wants to do.

Or what Vin, Gladass, or Becca said...

Elle, I can not verbally describe the Or What Part, I'm Italian, I gotta kinda show it with like my fingers and hands movin!

thank you guys

i appreciate the advice -- and yes i dont plan on talking to this guy at all, i'm just gonna ignore him


my boyfriend is kinda disappointed in this person, b/c they've been friends for so long, he feels rather betrayed

i dont think he will go the violent route, even tho he is very fiesty, haha -- he's a big softy on the inside

"my boyfriend is kinda disappointed in this person, b/c they've been friends for so long, he feels rather betrayed"

I suppose it's easy for your bf to call this guy a friend, but could he really be just a "habit" because he has known him since high school?

There's a difference between friends, acquaintances, and in this case, habits.

Your bf should break this bad habit!(without violence, of course)

Elisa, the best thing to do is for your boyfriend to talk to this guy & get the whole story on why he crossed the line. Yes, it sounds like the friendship has been shot to hell, but that doesn't mean your boyfriend should wipe the bathroom stalls at a truckstop with the guys face, at least not yet. He should be given a warning & if things do continue, then your boyfriend has all the right in the world to show this guy how he actually feels. He should apologize to you for the inappropriateness at the very least. If the friendship between your boyfriend & this guy is as trong as it might look, your boyfriend should forgive, but not forget. If the line is crossed again, then things can get ugly. Take it from me, I've been through this situation. Unfortunately it went past messaging (back then, messaging was passing notes). My ex-fiance cheated with one of my best friends & when I found out I gave the guy two options: 1) stay in the area & be pushing up daisies; or 2) join the military & move far away from here. He chose option 2 & joined the army. Last I heard, which was about 20 years ago, he was in Texas & married to some chick he got pregnant. Karma is a wonderful thing!